Successful conversations by pausing in the everyday jungle – Our everyday lives are often filled with stress, hectic and an oversupply of information and communication. If you want to communicate successfully with others – whether as a company or as an individual – you need more quality, not quantity. Instead of running even faster in the flood of communication, pressing even more buttons and scrolling through even more screens, we need to pause for a moment. An important minute of reflection for you and your communication partners, for better self-awareness, for more sensitivity with regard to others and for significantly better conversations.
Is multitasking still “in”?
We multitask, communicate on a wide variety of channels thanks to information and communication technologies and try to manage important deadlines and work tasks at top speed. Constant availability and sensory overload make it increasingly difficult for us to relax. However, human attention has its limits. Constant pressure to perform has a negative effect on our minds, our bodies and also on our interpersonal relationships. Numerous studies have shown the negative effects of long-term stress on the human organism. Our entire being is focused and highly activated when we are stressed (a state that makes perfect sense in a threatening situation, as it makes us more efficient and attentive). We have no time for “trivialities” and pursue what seems “essential” to us at that moment. In this environment characterized by the pursuit of efficiency, we can ask ourselves: What about the quality of our interpersonal relationships? How conscious are we of how we shape these relationships? Are we really “with the other person” in a conversation or are we already moving on to the next item on the agenda? Do we consciously perceive conflicts and react to them or do we prefer to leave them aside in order to concentrate on “the matter at hand”?
Communication and relationships between people play a key role in determining the success of a company. And that is precisely why we should pay attention to them, even in hectic times: it is we ourselves who can influence the quality of our relationships. So what can we do specifically?
Taking time for our counterpart
First of all, we can usually control how much time we schedule for conversations with colleagues, employees or customers. This prioritization already creates an initial weighting and the other person perceives this as an appreciation of their person. Face-to-face conversations often take more time in comparison, but virtual communication offers more opportunities for misunderstandings, which in turn means it costs us time to clarify these afterwards. How does this higher likelihood of misunderstandings come about? The answer is literally obvious: we can’t read the other person’s body language, we don’t know what mood the other person is in and (with the exception of video conferencing) we can’t see the environment in which the communication is taking place. With one-way communication (e.g. written communication), there is also the factor of delay. In some places, written communication becomes a substitute for verbal communication – e.g. when colleagues in the same office talk by email. Is the miracle of communication technologies not being taken too far here? Even instructions that can be delivered in person should not be sent by email. Otherwise employees might ask themselves: What’s wrong with me that my line manager or supervisor doesn’t want to talk to me? And such speculation is hardly conducive to the relationship. The question of time for discussions is a question of corporate culture: What is important to us? How important is the atmosphere and social fabric in our company? More and more companies are (re)recognizing the value of face-to-face communication and are consciously focusing on the personal networking of their employees. Team development seminars and employee events are examples of this. Occupational psychology studies have shown that the atmosphere in the office is more important to employees than their salary. The former determines whether the employee is motivated and remains loyal to the company. People are emotional beings and therefore usually make decisions on an emotional level. If we want to improve the communication culture in our companies, it would be beneficial to pay more attention to this fact.
Perceiving yourself
What else can we do to improve the quality of our communicative relationships in times of stress? The next step we can take may sound a little unfamiliar to some of you at first. However, it is of immense value and therefore I do not want to withhold it from you. It sounds simple, but it takes years of practice: be aware of yourself.
What state are you in right now? Is it a good state to make an important phone call at this moment, for example?
Especially in hectic times, we forget to look at ourselves. We “function” and react. When we are functioning in this way, it is more difficult to communicate consciously, to lean back and feel what the next good step is. By becoming more self-aware, however, we recognize what makes us “tick” and thus increase our ability to self-lead: to recognize, accept, question and let go of our own states. By letting go of unpleasant states, we can return to an inner feeling of serenity and awakened relaxation and the knowledge that our feelings change almost by the minute throughout the day. The “clinging” to negative states is minimized. The good news is that the more often we engage in self-observation, the easier it becomes to stay ‘in touch’ with ourselves and put ourselves in a good state of mind. In a positive ‘state’, decisions are easier to make and conversations are more productive. Next time you have a conversation, try to pause when you notice that you are getting stressed and take a step back to look at the situation “from above”. What is happening right now? This meta-level often provides you with valuable information that you cannot see when you are “in the thick of it”.
Perceiving the other
Being more aware of yourself and your own needs is also an important companion when it comes to understanding others better. Because the greater our ability to perceive our own emotions, the easier it is to recognize them in others. Daniel Goleman described this ability as “emotional intelligence” back in the 1990s. The more you pay attention to how something is said (instead of just listening to what is said), the more information you will receive about the other person and the more understood they will feel. Once you have recognized the value of this new conversation channel for yourself, you will notice that it is often the emotions that give you access to your conversation partner. This not only improves the quality of the relationship, but also ensures that in future you have the kind of conversations that feel right for you.
3 steps to successful conversations in the everyday jungle
Step 1: Take time for your conversation partner
Especially in hectic and stressful times, face-to-face conversations strengthen closeness and solidarity. Personal conversations also reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings and the resulting potential conflicts.
Step 2: Take time to become aware of yourself
These can be physical sensations, feelings or thoughts. This allows you to recognize more quickly what state you are in and increases your ability to manage yourself. You “anchor” yourself in yourself and simply let go of negative states – this is particularly valuable in a fast-paced environment with high demands.
Step 3: Apply your “emotional intelligence” in conversation too
Also pay attention to the mood of the person you are talking to. Responding to the other person’s emotions increases their feeling of “being understood” and therefore strengthens the relationship. This paves the way for constructive conversations.
With this in mind, I invite you to leave your tasks behind for a moment after reading this article with a clear conscience so that you can come back to them later with renewed strength. Close your eyes and breathe consciously. Notice how your body feels, how you breathe and what thoughts may arise. And remember: you are not only doing something good for yourself, but also for the people around you and your company.
by Tina Baumgartner, trainer at Lorenz-Seminare